A Love That Remains

An Angel Story Shared Anonymously

 

I found out I was pregnant in early June. I hadn’t been experiencing any of my usual PMS symptoms, so I knew something was off. Because it was so early, the line on the test was faint, but it was undeniable. A flood of emotions hit me all at once, fear, anxiety, excitement, confusion, but above everything else, I felt joy. I was thrilled for the new chapter my husband and I were about to begin.

Immediately, my mind started racing with plans for the next nine months. How would I tell our loved ones? What was I going to do about work? What would it feel like to carry my first child? Being pregnant felt surreal, like a dream I hadn’t fully woken up from yet. I scheduled my appointments, shared the news with my mom, and prepared myself for whatever pregnancy symptoms were coming my way.

A few weeks later, the spotting started.

It was light at first, but it immediately worried me. I called my OB-GYN’s office, but they assured me it was nothing to be concerned about. Days went by, and the spotting only grew heavier. I called again. Once more, they dismissed my concerns, refusing to bring me in or order blood work to check if the pregnancy was viable.

Deep down, I knew something was wrong. Refusing to just wait around, I researched my options and discovered I could order my own lab work through Quest Diagnostics. I placed the order that same day.

The next morning, while still waiting on my results, the spotting turned into active bleeding. I went straight to the emergency room.

The ER staff were exceptionally kind and gentle. They drew blood, ran urine tests, and performed an intravaginal ultrasound. After hours of waiting, the results came back: my HCG levels were far too low to support a healthy pregnancy. I was officially diagnosed with a miscarriage. To make matters more complicated, the ultrasound revealed a cyst on my ovary, meaning they couldn't fully rule out an ectopic pregnancy. They told me I would need repeat blood work in 48 hours to make sure my body was passing the embryo safely.

The hospital reached out to both my OB-GYN and my primary care physician to arrange the follow-up, but both refused to see me or submit the orders. Left with no other options, the hospital told me my only choice was to return to the ER in two days to be readmitted. I was scared, not just physically, but financially, knowing I couldn't afford another emergency room bill. Once again, I had to take matters into my own hands. I ordered another round of blood tests through Quest a few days later, and when the results arrived, my HCG levels had dropped significantly, confirming the miscarriage was complete.

What the doctors never prepared me for was the physical pain. The night after leaving the hospital, as I miscarried at home, the pain was intense and overwhelming. No one had told me it would hurt like that.

Experiencing an early loss is deeply isolating. It is a strange, heavy thing to grieve something you never physically felt move, but the grief is entirely real. I wasn't just grieving a loss in the present; I was grieving the entire future I had already envisioned.

The people around me didn't always understand, and honestly, before this happened to me, I wouldn't have fully understood either. But being repeatedly dismissed by medical professionals made that loneliness so much heavier.

What finally helped me begin to heal was connecting with other women who had walked this exact path. That is why I am sharing this. If you are going through this right now, feeling dismissed, overwhelmed, or utterly alone: I see you, I understand you, and your grief is valid. 

-Anonymous 

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